I am playing hookey in my own life. It’s rather liberating. I am not doing what I said I would do, I am not doing what I should be doing. Instead I found myself in a rural cross-country meander going nowhere and doing nothing. The fields wer gloriously golden, the leaves still green on the trees. Hedgerows were full of Autumn bounty and I am feeling very happy and relaxed and chilled out. Things re as they should be.
Which all sounds well and good. In fact, it is. However given the circumstances, both personally,emotionally, financially and professionally I should be a t the brink of despair. Yet I am buoyant and relaxed and greeting the day with a smile on my face.
I wish I could bottle this optimisim and store it for moments of gloom and doom. I think that perhaps positive outlook is a choice and a habit. Stuff is the same as always, it is me who is altered. I like this. If this this is what getting older has to offer then I think it is a fantastic thing.
Is this the long-term payoff for putting myself in the centre of my life and considering me first and everyone else next? I do still have a pang of guilt for not being where I said I would be today and that, perhaps, I have let friends down. I hope they can accept that although I do love them dearly my needs to sleep, to rest and to take myself on random adventures took priority today.
Perhaps aging is a little like motherhood. No-one tells you what its going to be like and how much it will change you. However, the reason that no-one tells you is that there is no way that you can possibly understand until you are there and doing it yourself. Perhaps getting older is the same. In my twenties I would not have believed that it would be possible to relish and enjoy the passing of time. I still feel young, do young things, dress young.
Sometimes I would love to go back to being 16. But only if I could take what I know now with me and only if I can have what I have got now. Perhaps I should consider this as zen and the art of catinahat’seyes?